Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's me again! or is it "its"?

Hello again to my 4 followers.  As of my last post the trash can saga has indeed been rectified.  Within the following couple of days my bi-racial angel came into my life and, alas, saved me from that horrible situation.  That's right, the new bf is kinda like the president and he does the best Billy-Bob Thornton in Slingblade impression that you have ever seen.....and that is about all he has going for him.  But do not fear my devoted followers, I still have my online dating accounts open for good reads.  I was actually about to close them down but then what would I have to entertain you guys with, considering my life has been a little less socially isolated lately.  I will post some of the great messages in a later post as for right now I have to jump in the shower and head to work.  Mind you my insomnia is kicking my butt so I have had no sleep....this should be a fun day.  I hope I can keep functioning until this evening as I have so much to do.  The hetero-lifemate is coming up for a visit and I have about 7 papers to write.  I will keep you abreast of any funny blunders that happen as a result of no sleep.  Until next time.....blue skies, butterflies and gluten-free apple-pies! 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Saga of my Trashcan

So today started out with a "Doh!" moment.   I didn't wake up until 11, I set my alarms for 6 am everyday and always hear my Ipod one which is so loud it always makes me angry and it usually decides I need to hear death metal when I wake up.  So I didn't go into my internship because it takes me at least two hours to get myself to look like dog shit to go to work.   So I decided to take the day to work on my resume.  It took me forever to do this thing...who knew I had so many awesome selling points? : /  
I eventually finished my resume/CV and decided I better take my trash out before I forget considering tomorrow is trash day.  My outdoor trash can is one of those big green rubber made things that wal-mart gets like $40 for.  This thing has been sitting in the middle of my front yard for a couple of weeks because I can't move it.  the reason I can't move it is because we got a snow storm awhile back and I didn't drag it under my carport so it got filled with snow....too heavy to move...the snow melted....too heavy to move....the water froze....too heavy to move, get my drift here?  At one point I had struggled for about twenty minutes to drag this thing out to the street and threw my back out again in the process.  I was so proud of this victory over the trash can, I figured the big strong trash-men would pick it up and dump everything into the back of their big trash monster and that would be that.  But no!  The men who usually just throw everyone's trash cans into the street and into other cars didn't pick up my trash can, they just picked the trash bags out of my trash can. I just left my trash can out and continued  putting the trash out into it.  Later I explained my trash can saga to one of my guy friends who came over.  He pushed it over to let it drain in the street...yay! Finally victory over the trash can!   Well the next day I came home to my trash can upright in the middle of my front yard...wtf?!!
Either my trash can has grown the ability to stand up and move on its own due to the excess of  bacteria it has been growing or one of my neighbors thought they were being nice.  Well to my surprise, the dang thing had not finished draining, I still couldn't move it!  So it had become somewhat of a lawn ornament for the past couple of weeks.  I have finally accumulated enough trash to try to deal with the situation. 
I walk outside tonight after trying to get my kitchen trashcan to forfeit its trash-bag, to claim victory once more over the big green rubber-made.  Mind you it has now accumulated much more precipitation. I kick it...it wobbles a little bit....I adjust my stance to that of a wrestler ready to take on his opponent and I push it as hard as I can it goes down splashing out a very very foul liquid all over my lawn. So let me pre-face what happens next with our weather situation...yesterday it snowed like it was the apocalypse and then it rained and rained and rained.   So my front yard   is nothing but disgusting slush.  Ever try to get traction from Vera- Wang house shoes in in a slushy muddy yard? "No" you say, well that is because you can't.  Yes, my friends, I took my evening shower in trash juice, yard slush and random pieces of trash I am sure I didn't put in my trash can.  
Well I got that ass-hole out to the street and my trash inside of it and I guarantee come trash day on Tuesday there will be a sign on that ass-hole that says "Single Woman Lives Here! please pick me up and clean me out, it is what you get paid for!"

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Things that make me pathetic

Just some things that have been whirring around in my head...I say "whirring" not because I am actually sure it is a real word, but because it really aids in the visualization that there is actually something exciting happening in my head.

* I could describe my evening as the best night ever because I was curled up on the couch with my dreamie AND my snuggie, listening to This American Life, doing research, drinking a Snapple all by candlelight.

*My dogs also have snuggies

*  sometimes when I need to run to the store and don't feel like putting on make-up I put on work out clothes so when people look at me they think I am a hot mess because I just had a killer workout.

*I feel the need to justify my purchase of fatty mozzarella sticks to the cashier, " I have been eating pretty healthy lately, I figured I can splurge."  the truth is I do eat pretty healthy during the day but  take one look at my night stand and you will find pistachios, potato chips and girlscout cookies scattered around.  Come 10 pm, I must look like Roseanne Barr huddled up in my bed hoarding my goodies. 

* right now just now I found half of a mozzarella stick on my lap......sweet...how did you get away from me little buddy?

* what is up with that show Minute to win It?  It has to be one of the dumbest things I have ever seen.  I do believe that it is hosted by that guy from the food network...you know the one that looks like he has a white trash porcupine on his head and listens to way too much country music?   I say he looks like he listens to way too much country music because people who make a habit of this generally have hairstyles that are at least a decade behind, are a few pounds overweight and I have no idea where they get their clothes.  I  know Wal-Mart's clothes section is at least some what up to date with prosti-tot fashions not to mention the clothes that I have been hanging on since middle school are more trendy.    I say this not being judgmental, Oprah tells me what I should like, I guess they just get their advice from Larry the Cable Guy.

I suppose that is all I have for now, Haven't been on any online dating sites recently, can't stomach it even in the name of humor....too many people that listen to way too much country music.  

At least my dogs think I am God. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It begins

So this blog birthed out of a sarcastic status update I posted on facebook observing the sad yet hilarious nature of my solitude.  A few people thought it would be a great idea so I have decided to give it a go.  We shall see, maybe I will be able to pay for grad school off of this but knowing my luck, not so much.

It all started when I decided to check an online dating site that I haven't checked in awhile and realized how pathetic the region in which I am living actually is.  I do believe I described the dating pool as people who fell off the top of the ugly tree into a pool of idiot juice and the people on said site that were not idiots were the gnome kings of the ugly forest...something to that degree.    Lets start with a few examples of the idiots:
Idiot #: How's your week goin?
I think innocent enough right?  I responded politely and told him I was having a good week.  I then look at his profile in a nutshell it says "BLAH i WAS IN THE MARINES, I WENT TO IRAQ, GO AMERICA, RANDOM QUOTE FROM WILL FERRELL, RANDOM QUOTE FROM GET HIM TO THE GREEK, COLLEGE IS FOR SISSY UNAMERICANS I WILL NEVER BE A SLAVE TO THE MAN AGAIN, I AINT NEVER GONNA GO TO NO COLLEGE, RANDOM UNITELLIGIBLE QUOTE, BLAH, I DON'T ACT LIKE NO MARINE, I HAVE TWO TATOOS THAT SAY GET MONEY, ONE IS IN JAPANES, AND I AM WHITE."   I figure I will humor him, after all I can be a bit too judgmental of people.   So then I asked him what he did for a living since he wasn't using that GI Bill, I asked if he got a nice job with the government.  He responds:
i work for myself fixing computers, cars, and anything else i can find. no im not plan on going to college, i can do most anything. government, no im done working for them. why did you wan to become a teacher??

I am now thinking, oh dear god, this uneducated idiot juice diving tree faller is also unemployed.  I respond back with a really loooong boring message using lots of big words, the main highlight being the word "altruism."  I basically sais there is not enough of it and that is why...yadda yadda yadda and some more self righteous crap. I also asked him if he owned his own business, "fixing crap."   His Response:

somewhat, it just pays the bills and not much else. yea most people dont want to try anymore, i think that why so many people get divorced, and most of the stuff wrong with the USA. do you have a family member, thats a special needs?? 

I say:
well altruism has nothing to do with divorce rates or really trying for that matter, it is a character trait that people just are not in tune with. No I do not have a family member that has special needs, not in this context anyway.

His response:
no im saying "most people dont want to try anymore" they just give up at the first sign of trouble. and what do you mean "not in this context"?? if you dont mind me asking??

Oh my, he obviously doesn't know what altruism means nor does he know how to open up a new tab to  google search it. I quit even trying to be nice after that. and so we move on to idiot #2.

I looks at ur pics n I have to tell u that I think ur beautiful

Ok, I say clearly in my profile, do not use internet speak with me and you must know the difference between your and you're and the like. At the end I say you should contact me if you do not want to stick a fork in your eye after reading my profile.  I also give an example of a terrible first message, so with that background lets continue with the story.....

Me: and you obviously did not read my profile, but thank you for the compliment
Idiot#2: It didn't. Make me wanna stick a fork n my eye but your welcome
me: *you're
Idiot#2: What that mean?

this obviously does not need anymore commentary.  

Idiot#3 from new egypt, u should visit it now.
you are adorable and adore your body ;)
That one doesn't need any commentary either.

So that is how I spent part of my night, the other part was reading Charlie Sheen quotes, checking my e-mail debating on getting a head start on my homework, but debated too much so I didn't, finding stupid facebook banners, trying to teach my spoiled dogs how to shake while feeding them gluten free sugar free cardboard flavored cereal as treats ( this venture obviously failed after spending an hour sitting on my kitchen floor, and picking out my outfit for tomorrow.  I also found this really funny website through a couple of my friends:
 oh and if you haven't seen the creep yet by the lonely island check that out on youtube, totally knee slap worthy.  Well goodnight, time to let the advil PM take me away!